This is the breakfast of champions for the sort of people who don't give themselves enough time in the morning to enjoy the true breakfast of champions (which is anything served alongside an ice-cold glass of pure grain alcohol). It's usually the top thing I look forward to in the morning. So this morning, there I was, with my trail mix bar, excited for the seed-y and almond-y goodness that awaited me. Pop the sucker open and LOOK AT WHAT I GET. Good job, Nature Valley cutting machine! Good job, Nature Valley trail mix bar quality control supervisor! How am I supposed to have an enjoyable day full of fun and entertainment when I'm getting ripped off by my breakfast? I don't even know!
Breakfasts that include things other than unfertilized chicken embryos and dead pig and fried potatoes are for hippies and communists. They poison the minds of our children and weaken the resolve of our allies.
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